Who You Are
by ProLazy
Summary: Prompt: Castiel finds out that Dean is lying about where he is at night. This leads Cas to believe Dean wants to leave him, and he just can't handle that. Trans!Cas (FTM).


It had been an awful day for Castiel. He had practically been chased out of the men's bathroom and his binder had been causing him a lot of discomfort. On top of that there was the usual business of several customers at the _Gas 'n' Sip_ refusing to be served by him, and teenagers making ignorant comments. Castiel just wanted to crawl into bed with his boyfriend, Dean, and cuddle with him.

When he got back to his apartment Castiel went to curl up on his bed and called Dean.

"Hey, baby! What's up?"

Castiel felt the corners of his lips twitch upwards. Just from hearing his boyfriend's upbeat and loving tone he started to feel a little better.

"I was wondering if you could come over tonight?" he asked hopefully.

"Oh, I'm sorry but Bobby wants to keep me late at the yard."

"Again?" Castiel said with clear upset. "He's made you work overtime almost every day for the past month. I've barely seen you."

Dean sighed. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I promise I'll come over in the morning and I'll make us pancakes and honey, yeah?"

"Okay" Castiel sniffed. "I love you."

"I love you too."

With that Dean was gone, and Castiel was left to stew in his thoughts of dysphoria once more. He really tried not to let what people said and how they acted get to him, but each snide remark always seeped into Castiel's psyche. Furthermore, he was now worrying that Dean was starting to resent him too.

Castiel fought back tears as he stripped himself down to his underwear and stared at his body hopelessly in the mirror. It disgusted him most days now; he had large heavy breasts – pinned painfully by his binder- and wideset hips which he despised. He would do anything to change it, but being a sales associate there weren't really any affective treatments he could afford.

Castiel wondered how his gay boyfriend could possibly be attracted to someone who clearly had the body of women. Maybe he wasn't anymore? Maybe Bobby hadn't been keeping Dean late at all and he was just avoiding Castiel. Maybe he felt too guilty or ashamed to end things; Castiel loved Dean too much to trap him in a relationship he didn't want. It would hurt like hell if they broke up, but Castiel supposed he would understand.

He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head though so Castiel had to call Bobby himself and find out. He and Castiel were relatively close given that Bobby was Dean's main father figure so Cas trusted he would be honest.

"Hello?"

Castiel had to swallow his guilt at distrusting his caring boyfriend, but the anxiety was too much to bear.

"Hello, Bobby. I was wondering if Dean is still there with you? He's not answering his phone."

"No, he left a couple of hours ago as usual" Bobby replied; Castiel felt his heart sink. "You don't think the idjits got himself into trouble do you?"

"I don't think so" Castiel replied; he hoped the waver in his voice wasn't too obvious. "In fact now I think I recall him saying something about going to see Sam." That was an untruth.

"Alright. Well, take care" Bobby said.

"You too" Castiel squeaked before he hung up.

So Dean had been lying to him. Perhaps there was someone else, or perhaps he had just lost interest in Castiel. Either way Castiel didn't blame him; he couldn't even stand to look at himself anymore.

He quickly picked up his robe and tied it tightly around himself before collapsing onto the bed a sobbing mess. It wasn't fair; this wasn't who he was. Why did he have to suffer this way? Whatever the answer he didn't at all think Dean deserved to suffer too.

All he could do was wait until the morning for Dean to come around and discuss it then.

Castiel tried to cling to the memories of the good times he had had with Dean as he slowly cried himself to sleep.

* * *

Castiel was roused awake the following morning by gentle kisses being carefully placed across his neck and cheek. He smirked dreamily and allowed himself to bask in the affection before the turmoil of what was to come returned to him.

He opened his eyes and rolled over to be met by Dean sat over him smiling. That soon changed into a troubled frown.

"Baby, why are your eyes so red? Have you been crying?"

Castiel didn't respond. He pulled himself up into a sitting position and twisted his hands into the sheets nervously.

"I…I know you've been lying to me" he said quietly. "About where you've been at night."

"Oh, Cas" Dean sighed. "I can explain-"

"No, Dean" Castiel said as he felt the corners of his eyes begin to sting again. "Please, let me do this. It's…it's okay if you have to leave me; I understand. I'm asking you to deal with too much on my behalf and that isn't fair. You…You should be with someone who you are attracted to and makes you happy."

"Cas!" Dean exclaimed with clear shock.

"Pl-please, Dean" Castiel whimpered as he leaked tears once more. "I know I'm not enough, so just go. I won't hold anything against you."

"Cas, sweetheart, please" Dean said with a quiver in his own voice. He moved further onto the bed and took hold of Castiel's hands. "Don't ever say things like that. I love you with every fibre of my being and I would never leave you."

"Well, where have you been?" Castiel asked dubiously as looked into his boyfriend's eyes.

"I didn't want to tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise but…I got a second job working security at a bar. I know how much you want to start your gender reassignment surgery so I wanted to save up as much money as I could to help you."

"What?" Castiel asked with disbelief. "Y-you'd do that for me?"

"Of course I would" Dean said with a bittersweet smile. "You're my boyfriend and I love you. You deserve to be who you were meant to be; who you _are._ I hate seeing how upset you get and I want to help in any way I can."

"B-But Dean that isn't fair to you either! Working day and night; you must be exhausted."

Dean laughed a little and shook his head. "That's the other reason I didn't want to tell you; I knew you'd feel guilty. I _want_ to do this for you. Me being a little tired is worth it just to see you truly smile again."

Castiel could feel another onslaught of tearing coming but this time for a whole new reason. He flung himself at Dean and wrapped his arms around his shoulders before kissing him profusely. Dean fully reciprocated the gesture and they fell back amongst the sheets.

Eventually they had to pull apart just to breathe.

"I'm so sorry I ever thought you wanted to leave me" Castiel said.

"It's okay" Dean assured him. "It hurt but not as much as hearing what you think about yourself."

"But you help me through that, Dean" Castiel claimed as he rested their foreheads together. "I guess I just really freaked out because I thought you wanted to break up. As long as you accept me then I can start to accept me. You make me feel so loved and I just can't thank you enough for everything."

"I don't do it for thanks" Dean stated. "I'd just do anything for my beautiful boyfriend; as I know you would do anything for me. I love you _so_ much and I'm going to be with you every step of the way."

"I love you too" Castiel said as he beamed widely. "Now let me show you exactly how much" he pleaded as he pulled Dean in for another long and devoted kiss.


End file.
